UAP UnAssociated Press
Stunning development. This just in from the North Pole Gazette.
In a rare and almost unprecedented move - Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus, Rudolph and Arthur Honeytree (the Head Elf), after a brief, spontaneous, top secret meeting at an undisclosed location somewhere at the North Pole - released this statement.
“This kind of behavior is inexcusable and as such, I have no choice but to remove these kids from my Nice List.” Santa said. “These kids think that I’m only watching them in the weeks leading up to Christmas. But the truth is I’m watching them all year long. If you screw up in February, April or even June, I’ll know about it. You’ll be kicked out of all Santa’s special programs. You’ll be removed from my Letter from Santa program, you will not receive your Nice List Certificate… even Rudolph will dis you. Clearly we have to make an example out of these young teens. My letter from Santa program is my most popular and these kids are going to miss out.”
“The Polk County courts may have decided to treat these teens as adults, but they’re still kids as far as the North Pole is concerned.” Santa added.
As it turns out five of the eight kids barely made the Nice List last year. And one of the eight was already off the Nice List before this latest fiasco. Santa would not discuss this particular case however sighting privacy and confidentiality as well as liability reasons.
It is quite rare that Santa would issue the dreaded lifetime ban from Santa’s Nice List. There have only been a couple dozen cases where such harsh punishment has been doled out by the big guy.
The most famous being Timmy Warchickles who posted Santa’s personal cell phone number on his Myspace profile. Santa’s North Pole communications center came to a screeching halt as Santa’s phone was bombarded with more than 12 thousand people a second.
“That kid is a menace to society.” Santa said at the time.
“The Buck Stops Here!” Santa remarked. “I’m the decider! If I decide you’re not going to be on the Nice List, then you’re not going to be on the Nice List. That’s all there is to it! And, I shouldn’t even have to say this, but if you’re not on the nice list, you’re certainly not getting a Letter From Santa.”
An Elf who wished to remain anonymous added, “Essentially Santa is the highest governing power at the North Pole. The North Pole is not a democratic union. Santa rules with a white glove. What he says’ goes. The United States government has no jurisdiction at the North Pole. I’m not complaining. We wouldn’t have it any other way. We love Santa as much as all the kids do.”
Rudolph could not be reached for comment, but Mrs. Claus defended the decision saying, “We will not and can not tolerate this kind of behavior.”
“It’s really sad.” Mrs. Claus remarked. “These kids don’t realize what the long term consequences of their actions are. Once you’re off Santa’s Nice List, there are a lot of things you miss out on. These kids will not receive their personalized “Letter From Santa”; they will not get their official “Nice List Certificate”; no autographed picture of Santa, no picture of Rudolph… it’s just a shame. We know that the highlight of Christmas for most kids is receiving a letter from Santa and the nice list certificate right before Christmas. They sure do sleep better knowing their on the nice list.”
Arthur Honeytree, always the shameless self-promoter added, “These kids are really going to be missing out this year because Santa has designed a whole new letterhead for his personalized letters from Santa. Even the Nice List certificate has been completely redesigned for 2008. These kids are going to be sorry. All the other kids are going to be walking around with their letter from Santa and showing off their nice list certificate and these kids will have nothing, notta, zip. Too BAD!”
Don’t forget kids, just because it’s May or June, Santa’s still watching. And if you hope to be on Santa’s Nice List this year and you want Santa to send you a personalized letter, you’d better be good for goodness sake.
Be sure to catch the full length feature story, along with in depth interviews, coming up in “Santa’s Workshop Quarterly.”
Other features in the nest issue of “Santa’s Workshop Quarterly.”
- “Dealing with stress. How Santa stays sane!”
- “How a Santa Letter Saved My Christmas”
- “Mrs. Claus Talks About the Pressures of Christmas, Getting It All Done”
- “7 Simple Techniques for Keeping Your Child Believing in Santa!”
- “What Every Parent Should Know About Santa Clause”
- “Letters From Santa Claus, Restore the Magic of Christmas”
About the author: Alex Russell has performed extensive research in the arena of letters from Santa, and devotes much of his time to reviewing websites that offer services for Santa letters. Alex has earned the respect of many Christmas authority websites such as http://www.PackageFromSanta.com, for his highly regarded articles on such topics as “How to Write a Letter from Santa” and “The Truth about Santa Letters.” 
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